It was the 19th of May 2005. I have vivid memories of that day. Now when I look back, it seems like a time that never happened, a moment filled with memories, both unexplainably exhaustive and incomprehensibly unidentifiable. I had graduated from a phase of suspended continuation to a platform of sustained buoyancy. This might be a little confusing to you. But you will understand. The human narratives, craving for predictability, will find its release through cogent modes, and these modes, at some later point of time, will become fated thread marks of a portion or an entire story of life.
Well I will not delay in presenting a short anecdote about an experience which dynamically altered the course of my existence. 19th of May 2005, may now seem like just another speed bump in my life, but on the day itself, it stood as my biggest nightmare, tearing apart my confidence, bringing out all my fears and insecurities and consuming even the tiny teaspoon of conviction which I believed I possessed at that time. It was the day I graduated from my high school. Due to unavailability of course options in the schools of my city, I had to take Science and Mathematics as subjects. I have always been confused about a lot of things in my life, but I knew one thing for sure, I really sucked at anything which had to do with calculations, figures, numbers, chemical reactions, and statistics. Unfortunately most of the courses, that I had to opt for in school got framed within boundaries which were inaccessible to me. My final grades were miserable, and that meant a lot of things. It not only prophesized a series of unending melodrama and lecturing sessions about my non-achieving attitude, from the home front, but it also meant a closure to any remote possibilities of my getting into a stream of education, which was considered worthwhile in my country. However, all this occupied just about 40% of my anxiety. I still had a greater problem confronting me. My girl friend (after so many years, I can dare to take the liberty to call her my girlfriend), who also happened to be my physics teacher in school, had suddenly stopped taking my calls. Initially I thought it to be symptomatic to her usual mood swings. But I guess I was mistaken. She hadn’t called me for an entire week. She was not taking my call. She didn’t even bother to enquire about my grades. So to make a long story short, I was in deep shit. I felt I was destroyed in every way possible- academically, romantically, socially (whatever other way, you can come up with). So what could I be thinking of, at a time when I was convinced that I was that one (in a millionth) unlucky guy, whose life was completely wasted, who was both intellectually handicapped and romantically challenged? Where my thoughts would be wandering?
Well I thought, I had never smoked a cigarette before and this was my chance. My mind was wandering off. For the first time I wanted to breadth in the freshness of earth and loose myself with the setting sun, Yes I was standing there at the bridge which overlooked the River Ganga, I was at peace with the world, I was not afraid. I could see an entire civilization in front of me, the ruins of time being belied by a screen memory of modern existence. The river, symbolic to life and death, forces larger than existence, confronted me with questions, which made me uncomfortably squeamish to my own tragedy.
Well I was not used to smoking, so with every attempt to take in the smoke and hold it with in my lungs; I coughed out. The butt slipped out of my hand. I could see it falling, moment by moment, frame by frame, finally to be consumed by the vastness of the river.
“Well not so much of smoker, are you?” I was suddenly interrupted by a voice. It felt really annoying, if I lost my cool at that moment of time, then it would be the end of my mastered fervour.
“Son, what are you thinking? Why don’t you take the leap? I won’t stop you. I have seen so many people taking the path you have chosen. It’s not too difficult you know. Just jump.”
This man was now freaking me out. I could feel the moment slipping out from my grip like grains of sand. “What’s your problem sir, you are distracting me.”
“My problem, Well I have so many. Do you want talk about them?”
“No! Just go away. I have enough problems to deal with.”
“Well I can’t just walk away, I live here, and I have always lived here. At this age I do not have your capabilities; to have a cup of tea and a smoke, to watch the setting sun and rise with it again. I miss my cup of tea.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I was young, maybe your age. I lost my family, I lost my job and then I lost myself. You look smarter.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well I don’t want to go into details, I don’t have the time. Do you see the river? The water is cold. The moment you take the leap, piercing through the air, hundred feet beneath, you will meet you desired fate, waiting to suck the air out of your lungs, to crush your bones, to dissolve you in state of non-existence. But you will exist. Do not doubt that? Never doubt that!”
There was a strange aura surrounding us. I was beginning to feel really uncomfortable with the man’s presence. His vacant eyes, plaintive as they were, reflected an unexplainable insanity. I could feel a sense of emptiness within, and that had nothing to do with my own condition.
“Young people, they always doubt. I can clearly see that you do not believe me. I am really tired of proving it to fools like you. Take a step back my man. Get a grip of yourself. Enjoy life. Learn to face defeat and learn to welcome success with humility. These are my last words to you. You are free to jump off. You are also free to live and to face challenges. I love you and I don’t want to see you die. That is all. You are free now. Go.”
This was my chance to escape; I turned around and started walking. He was standing there, staring vacantly at me. “What was I thinking of? Was I going to kill myself? Was I mad?”
I heard a terrible cry from behind. I heard a splash in the water. The man was gone.
